


You Can't Hear Me Cry (See My Dreams All Die)

by iflouiscouldfly



Category: Little Mix (Band), One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Character Death, Letters, M/M, Mentions of Death, im so sorry, mention of weight loss, mentions of depression, mentions of illness, mentions of little mix - Freeform, please grab a tissue, zayn is briefly mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 19:46:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7374982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iflouiscouldfly/pseuds/iflouiscouldfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry doesn't know how to live without Louis</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can't Hear Me Cry (See My Dreams All Die)

_Dear Louis,_

_I know that you're long gone, six feet under the ground, but I don't feel like you're gone. You might be gone physically, but mentally, you're still standing right by my side, like you always promised me you would be. I miss you so, so much, but I'm doing alright. I love you. Without you here, my eyes are duller and my smile isn't as bright, but I'm holding on, because that's what you would want. It killed me on the inside and on the outside to watch them lower your casket into the ground._

_It never really dawned on me until then that I'd never see your smile again, or hear your laugh, feel your body beside mine in the dead of the night. I'd never hear your comforting words, feel your lips on mine, your hand in mine. I'd never hear your voice, fake a laugh at your lame jokes, or have someone who seemingly understands me more than I understand myself._

_Losing you was like losing a part of my soul, a part of my heart. You were, in every sense of the metaphor, my other half. I feel like I've lost the light at the end of my tunnel, the rainbow after the seemingly endless rain. I'm so lost without your presence, but i have to learn to get through it. You'll get my letters often, hopefully, and I'll keep you updated on everyone._

_We're all in shambles, Everyone is lost in a ucky swamp of depression. You were the one that held us together, the one that kept us strong, through everything that happened in One Direction. We had to break up the group yesterday. We couldn't keep it together knowing that it wouldn't be the same. The fans were devastated, and it was hurting us to think about doing the On The Road Again tour without our little ray of sunshine. As much as I was against breaking up the group, I knew that it wouldn't hold up if we didn't._

_I know that wasn't what you wanted, but we wouldn't have been able to give it our all without you. We tried learning the formations, we did, but without you to guide us, we just couldn't get it. I couldn't sing my part in Strong without breaking into tears. Just like with all of our songs. Performing just wouldn't be the same without you. I know you might not agree with our reasons, but they are all fully justified._

_But nevertheless, I love you, wholly, with all of my heart. There's an undeniable difference in the way that I act now, because there's a hole in my heart. One that can't- won't ever be filled. That part, as large as it is, belonged solely to you. You are the only person to captivate me so much that I was continuously hypnotized by you, every waking moment of the day. You hold the key to my heart, and the missing part of it that left me when you did. You were my only reason, my will to live. But for your sake, I will pull through this._

_I love you. I miss you. I'll see you soon enough._

_This isn't goodbye._

_Your love, Harry._

\---

Harry gazed longingly at the grave in front of him, unable to hold back tears as he sat the letter before it. He couldn't bare being there much longer, and left after uttering a few sentences.

"When you left, you took my heart, my whole world with you. These are things I'll never get back. But maybe this is how it was meant to be."

\---

_Dear Louis,_

_It feels like it's been so long since I last wrote. The thought completely slipped my mind. The devastation of your passing is still very evident. If I was to compare it to a wound, it would still be fresh, oozing blood. The pain I suffer hasn't worsened, but it hasn't gotten better either. I've just become used to the feeling of drowning in darkness, in despair. The feeling is everlasting, and it won't die down anytime soon._

_The boys haven't been much better. Zayn pushed his wedding date back a year, solely because he didn't think he'd be in a good state of mind, even in a year's time. Liam has spent more time wondering if he did something wrong than he's spent properly sustaining himself. He's emaciated and thin, and I'm horribly concerned for his well-being._

_I know, that no matter what, even when I feel so helplessly alone, you'll still be right by my side. You'll never leave. That was one promise I know that you'd never break. The words we shared just before you passed have been echoing in my mind since that day._

_"I'll never leave you, Harry. I'll love you forever, always. I'm sorry it had to be this way."_

_The sound of the heart monitor flat-lining broke my heart. I knew I had lost you. I'd never see you again. I can only briefly look at pictures of us or watch videos of us without crying. Absolutely nothing is the same without you. We've lost all organization as an ex-boyband, and it seems like our liveliness is diminishing by the second. You kept us all alive, whether it be mentally, physically, or emotionally._

_You brightened a room when you walked in, and there wasn't a single star that could compete with your smile when you were truly happy. The way your eyes lit up when you talked about us could keep me smiling for hours. But that's all gone now. It physically hurts to think about you, but I do it because I could never let you down. All you wanted was for me to stay happy, even without you, and I'm trying so hard to stay positive._

_In the words of one of our saddest songs:_

_"And I will give you all my heart, if we could start all over again."_

_I love you Louis, forever. Nothing's the same without you._

_This isn't goodbye._

_Your love, Harry._

\---

Harry sat the letter down in front of him, staring right at Louis' grave. He had been taken from the world much too early, in Harry's opinion. He had only just become a 24-year-old man, he had so much life left to live. He didn't think it was fair for Louis to have gone through that.

"We all miss you so much, Louis."

\---

_Dear Louis,_

_The sky doesn't seem as blue without you here._  
_The sun doesn't seem as bright._  
_The life in my eyes seems to be gone, and the stars don't shine at night._  
_I've lost my sense of direction._  
_You're nowhere to be found._  
_I know you're gone for good, and I can't help it now._

_Sorry, that was stupid. Forgive me. Dusty seems lonelier without you. Sometimes she'll meow at the shadows in the house. I guess she thinks you came home. I do whatever I can to keep away from being alone, but the thoughts swirling around my mind seem to numb my senses. Sometimes I'll only think of you for days on end. Other times I'll be seemingly fine, but I'm faking all of my smiles. I've been faking smiles since the day in the hospital, two months ago. There isn't a thing in this world that could make me smile besides you. The little things, like the way you cover your mouth when you laugh, or how you get hung up on silly mistakes. Those were my reasons to be happy._

_The boys and I have been trying our best to go on without you, but we made an oath during our X-Factor days that we'd never leave anyone behind. Old habits die hard._

_There will be days where I'll be completely fine, and then I catch a fleeting glimpse of you, somewhere. I'll just lose it. I'll phone one of the boys and tell them to come over, and we end up crying for hours. The twitter trends have been full of your name._

_'#RIPLouis'_

_'#WhyWeLoveLouis'_

_'#LouisComeBack'_

_'#LouisWeMissYouSoMuch'_

_'#WhyDirectionersWillMissLouis'_

_The fans have been trying to cheer us up, despite their sadness. I never wanted to give up on them like this, but it had to be done. No use doing something when you feel no joy from it. I used to absolutely love singing on stage, now I resent it. I blame the stage for your death. But I'm also to blame._

_I wouldn't console you one day when you were upset, for some stupid reason, so you brushed away your tears and run around the empty stage, humming out the tune to an unreleased song. When I looked up and watched the emotions flicker across your face, watched the grace and elegance of your body movements, I never saw it coming. You attempted a jump you were nowhere near ready for. None of us were ready for it. Next thing I know, CRASH! You fell off the stage in a heap, groaning in pain._

_That was only the start. Everything that happened to you was my fault. I hate myself for it. I live in despair every single day, knowing that I'm partially responsible for your passing. But I know you're watching, and I know you're disappointed. Disappointed in me for thinking so lowly of myself. I can't help it. I know what I did was wrong. You were wrong to take me back, to forgive me. You were a fool. I still loved you, I still do, but that doesn't lessen the pain of my stupidity._

_I was ignorant. I should've never left the house that night. I should've stayed beside you and cuddled up close to you, feeling the warmth of your exposed skin as I slept. I should've softly murmured apologies into your ears, rubbing your arms and telling you that everything was fine. All the things I should've done._

_I'm an idiot, but I still love you. I hope you still love me._

_I won't ever forgive myself._

_This isn't goodbye._

_Your love, Harry._

\---

Harry delivered the letter to the proper place as soon as he finished writing it, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. He knew that he was weak, but he had been trying so unbelievingly hard to at least appear strong. That facade he had been trying to construct was now crumbling away, eating at his sanity.

"I miss you, Louis."

\---

_Dear Louis,_

_Where has the time gone? The girls broke up Little Mix when they heard about your passing. Perrie looked so broken when she heard. Her face went soft and tears started pouring down her cheeks. Leigh-Anne didn't look much better. Her hair was knotted and tangled, her face was red, and her cheeks were tear stained before we even answered the facetime call. Jade looked pretty bad too. The only one who didn't take it bad was Jesy, because you weren't close. She still looked just as distraught as the rest of us._

_The light in their eyes was gone. They looked like inanimate puppets. It was heartbreaking, but nowhere as heartbreaking as losing you. They looked like they had the life sucked out of them, like they had no will to live. I woke the next morning and saw they had called it quits. It was plastered all over social media._

_No one is the same without you, Louis. We're trudging through, but it hurts. We've lost the beacon of happiness that kept us sane. We're all crumbling without you. You were the glue that kept us all together. Before X-Factor, I never knew how much I needed you. You saved me from my own oblivion, and without you, I'm getting sucked back in. I know I'll survive, but it's hard. There are so many things that I never got the chance to tell you, things I never got the chance to do._

_I still sing on my own time, but it just isn't the same. I can't sing happy songs anymore, they don't reflect what I feel. I'll just sit around, staring at photos of us, singing '18' or 'Little Things' quietly. I'm broken on the inside, fragile, made of glass. You were the glue that kept me from falling apart. That's getting redundant. I know, but I cannot stress to you enough, just how much you've done for me. How much you're still doing for me._

_I remember sitting on the tour bus for the X-Factor tour shivering in my bunk. I remember you coming over to my bunk and quietly whispering to me._

_"Harry, are you alright? Are you cold?"_

_I could do nothing but shake my head softly. That didn't deter you._

_"Do you want me to lay with you?"_

_I knew I wouldn't have been able to explain, so i nodded at you. You delicately, ever so delicately climbed into my bunk beside me, causing a comforting warmth to spread across my whole body. It was right then that I knew I'd like you a lot more than I let on. It was then that I realized my feelings for you._

_And that was just the start. From then on, we were inseparable. I loved it, every heart-warming second of it. And I lost you all too soon._

_I love you Louis. That'll never stop. You're a part of me._

_You help me stay alive._

_This isn't goodbye._

_Your love, Harry._

\---

Harry stood up from the park bench he was sitting on, conveniently not even 10 meters away from the cemetery. He slowly trudged over to the entrance, sniffling quietly before he walked through the archway. He followed the path to Louis' grave, shivering slightly as chilled winds swept over his body. When Harry finally reached Louis' grave, he crouched down, sat the letter in front of it, and cried.

"I'm pathetic, Louis. How did you even love me? I can't even handle staying strong for your sake. I'm sorry." Harry whispered quietly, choking back sobs as he spoke.

\---

_Dear Louis,_

_I remember how horrible I felt when I angered you, or made you sad. I remember the pain that would flash across your features, like a bullet piercing through my heart. I would try to hide it, unsuccessfully. You'd never stay mad for long, but your sadness was a completely different story. It killed me on the inside to know that your tears were caused by my ignorance. I would go silent for days, trying to figure out why I was so stupid. You always forgave me in the long run. As thankful as I was for that, I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve so much love for the terrible things I've done._

_My greatest horrors weren't the conventional type. They were, in no way, shape, or form, logical. The things I feared the most were the likes of abandonment, depression, and the departure of our love. In my mind, our love came before everything. If I were to lose the love we shared, well, to put it simply, I wouldn't be alive right now._

_My sense of logic is horribly distorted, contoured to be dependent on having someone by my side. Our room looks forlorn, sad, withered. I've left everything the way it was before you died. I sleep on the sofa and I eat from the cabinets. I won't touch the tea on the shelves because in my mind- my heart, they belong to you._

_We're all getting better. I don't think we'll ever be completely sane, especially since we're all deteriorating faster than we're recovering. I haven't been doing too well latetly. I've become ill, and the boys have been doing their best to keep me healthy. We went out to a special store and bought something the other day. You'll know what it is soon enough._

_I'm sorry that this letter isn't as long as the rest. It's becoming a strain to function properly. But it's all worth it, knowing what these will likely mean to you._

_This isn't goodbye._

_Your love, Harry._

\---

Harry coughed and folded the letter and placed it inside an envelope, setting it beside him for a brief moment before standing up and grabbing it. Harry made his way out of his flat, breathing quite heavily compared to the minimal amount of exercise he was doing. He continued to walk until he reached the cemetery, letter in hand. Harry made his way towards the headstone that belonged to Louis, trying his best not to cry. He gently set the letter in front of the grave, wiping at his eyes as he read the engraving again.

"I'm so sorry, Louis."

\---

_Dear Louis,_

_This isn't the best way to ask this, but it's important. I'd been meaning to do this for months, before you passed._

_I love you Louis, with all of my heart. Your death devastated me. This question is much too important to ask through a letter, but it's my only option._

_If you were still alive, I'd want to live every day by your side, wake up beside you every morning, and never let go of the love we share. You make me comfortable, and when I'm around you, I feel at home. You are in my sweetest dreams and my darkest nightmares. You make me happy, regardless of the situation._

_I wanted to ask if you'd marry me, Louis. I know you can't answer, but I'm including a custom engagement ring with this letter. You'd make me the happiest boy in the world._

_I chose now, of all times to ask this because- well, I'm dying, Louis. The boys were absolutely in shambles when the doctor told them I wouldn't get any better. His diagnosis? Heart failure. Ironic right? I'm dying of a broken heart._

_There's a bright side to my difficult situation, in my eyes. I'll get to be with you again. We'll spend the rest of eternity together. I'll be with the one I love for the rest of time. Where's the bad in that?_

_I'm struggling to write even this much. I'm sorry Louis. This may be the last letter you ever, hopefully, receive from me._

_This isn't goodbye- I hope._

_Your love, Harry._

\---

Niall and Liam were both huddled around Harry as he wrote, waiting for him to finish so he would drink some water. That wasn't what happened, however. Harry did drink water when he was done writing, and he did appear fine, but he knew that this was it. He didn't have the strength to continue.

"Niall? Liam?" Harry croaked, glancing at the two boys.

"Yes, Haz? What is it?" They both asked at the same time.

"Can you take me to the cemetery one last time? I need to get this to Louis before I- before I-" Harry croaked again, stumbling over the inevitability of the end of the sentence, the intense reality he was facing.

"Yes, Harry. We can."

\---

The boys sat in the car as Liam drove, making sure to be very careful. Niall broke the tense silence, asking the question that both boys were wondering but didn't want to ask.

"You wanted to be buried with Louis right?" Niall's face fell as the words left his mouth, a few rogue tears slipping down his cheeks.

"Y-yes." Harry coughed, trying to smile.

Niall simply nodded, allowing the car to be consumed by the unsettling silence once more.

Harry knew this wasn't easy for any of them. They just lost one of their friends three months ago, and now they're losing another. It was hard for Harry to grasp too, knowing that he was dying, and knowing he'd never see his friend's amazing faces anymore.

The boys finally arrived at the cemetery, getting the wheelchair that Harry rode in and helping Harry into it, sadly pushing him to Louis' grave. Harry's tight grip on the letter and engagement ring ensured that they wouldn't go anywhere along the way.

Harry shed a few tears as he gazed upon Louis' grave, gently placing the letter and ring in front of it. "I love you, Louis."

The boys took Harry back home, getting him comfotable as they bustled about. While the boys were running about and working on things, Harry drifted off to sleep.

That letter Harry placed on Louis' grave was the last letter that he wrote. He was now with his dearly beloved Louis, so there was no need.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading my first ever published one shot on ao3 !! love ya lots
> 
> you know where to find me: @perrieeele (twitter)


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